HOW CAREGIVERS CAN PREVENT COMPASSION BURNOUT

With funding cuts for disability services, and the rising cost of living we are all feeling, I thought it was the time to talk about avoiding the damage caused by Compassion Burnout. Not always possible, but if you understand the cause, which goes way beyond the obvious, 24/7 care for a loved one, you can go some way towards preventing the long-term effects which can rob your future of hope and sadly your health in many cases. 

Those like me, who’ve cared for another for literally decades, will have eventually come to the realizations I will share shortly. Making your best defence against compassion burnout a daily part of your caregiver journey will mean a happier and more positive life for you and those you care for. It really is a case of coming to grips with how to combat compassion burnout sooner rather than later. 

Compassion burnout feels like drowning in a sea of emotions. It is emotional and physical exhaustion that develops over time.  

Ambulance drivers, police, doctors and helping professionals such as counselors and family case workers can and often do develop compassion burnout.  There are specific treatment modalities employed by professionals to help support and foster positive mental health for people in these categories and they are very successful. 

But there is an extra level of complication that caregivers need to have recognized by counselors and professionals which goes beyond what might work for most people. Those of us who care for a loved one on a full time, no break from stress basis have often shut down the self awareness that would warn them they are in trouble. Caregivers usually spend their time year after year, going from one professional to another looking for support for the person they care for, and disregarding their own feelings and emotions.

It isn’t that caregivers aren’t receiving valuable and solid advice, it is the perspective from which they view that advice. Someone working in a very stressful job can follow all the advice they are given and still suffer the symptoms of burnout because the job just isn’t right for their personality. Eventually, if they feel there is no improvement in their mental health they have the option to up and walk away. They might take a holiday to recover or change professions. It could be the end of a difficult relationship or a move to new surroundings.With time the compassion burnout they had been suffering disipates and life goes on.

For a Caregiver there is no walking away. Caregivers make choices and decisions based on the needs of someone else, way before they ever consider their own needs. Their identity is tied directly to their role as caregiver, especially if they are a parent. To walk away from their role means also walking away from their identity, something built up often over many years. Because they cannot walk away compassion burnout doesn’t easily disipate once a crisis is over. The level of stress most caregivers are under remains in the background, ever present.

Unless someone has an actual lived understanding of what a particular caregiver is feeling it is very difficult for them to put themselves in your shoes. Caregivers know only too well that the person on the opposite side of the desk has likely not dealt with caring for another full time. It’s obvious when you think about it. They wouldn’t be working in a career if they did. They do however have valuable advice and contacts if we know the right questions to ask.

There are a few simple strategies which if used regularly early on, which can make all the difference in how you negotiate your caregiving role. I certainly wish I had known when my son was young, what I know now. I unfortunately didn’t wake up until I hit the wall through serious illness. The same happens to many of us sadly. But it can be avoided when you seek out the wisdom of those who have been where you are now.

There are some really good support groups on social media where the people giving advice have lived through the issue themselves. Of course, you will find a lot of answers to questions that may not fit your circumstances, but that in itself will reinforce your understanding of how your situation is unique to you.  In caregiving there is definitely not a one size fits all solution to any issue.

You will however hear many different perspectives from like minded individuals. The more perspectives you hear, the sooner you realise that problems can be solved in many different ways. The more ways to solve a problem the more choices you have. When you have different options to choose from that feeling of being trapped with no way out lessens whilst the feeling of control over your life grows. 

Having choices is a major support strategy. 

The need for caregivers to have their individual situation really and truly acknowledged by someone who understands fully was presented to me in the most public of ways several years ago.   

I was privileged to be asked to MC for an event promoting mental health awareness. Towards the end of the discussion, it was my role to ask questions of the speakers on behalf of the audience.  I was able to stand up there on stage and just listen to the wisdom of the speakers, a specialist teacher, a very experienced counselor in a mental health unit, and a published psychologist from a major hospital.  It was a relaxing role with no stress as my part in the proceeding was very small. 

I was to choose which questions would be asked from those submitted by the audience after the initial talk.

I chose a few written questions which were answered quite easily by each speaker in turn, holding back one that stood out to me personally. I wanted to make it the last to be answered as I instinctively knew it went much deeper than the words written on the card which read, “How do you cope with compassion burnout?”  

I had spent many years being prescribed anti depressents, being told to relax, find time for myself, and on and on by the very kind of knowledgeable people this audience was listening to now.  I wondered how the person in the audience would hear the answers and if they would be given in the same way I expected to hear them. 

The three speakers, all professionals in their field, all dealing daily with traumatized clients, and all living busy lives themselves, immediately viewed the question as being pertinent to their own circumstances. Each in turn outlined their coping strategies, which in all fairness are the same coping strategies they would give their clients who worked in stressful jobs or were dealing with poor relationships or family dysfunction.  

Some of those stress relief strategies were to take the family out for dinner. Have a hot bath or read a favorite book. Perhaps a painting class or yoga class.  One said if they felt it necessary, they would take a couple of days off work to regroup.  I cringed when I heard that one. If only, I thought.  As I stood and listened my heart sank for the person in the audience whom I instinctively knew had meant, how could they learn to cope with compassion burnout as a Caregiver. 

I don’t know if we connected energetically, but just as I was reflecting on my years of hearing about support strategies I had no way of implementing, a lady in the middle of the audience stood up, pointed at me, and said, “I want to hear what you have to say.”  She must have read my Biography as M.C. for the event. The very fact she wanted my opinion in particular reinforced my assumption that she must have been a full-time caregiver herself. 

I was a little flummoxed as it wasn’t my role to become another speaker and I didn’t want to stand on any toes.  I looked across at the speakers who were equally quiet.  They were probably wondering why a regular mum’s opinion would be sought when they stood there with years of expertise between them.  Our lady friend was still standing and again, this time more forcefully, stated she really wanted to know what I would say. The three speakers said they too wanted to hear my point of view.   

I didn’t feel the least bit nervous as I was handed the microphone. I’d been given a real chance to connect with this lady. She wanted to know how someone who had been where she was now had learned to cope and I had no reason to hold back. I had survived and come through some pretty tough times so who was I to suddenly back away. The whole room was waiting to see what I could possibly add to the conversation.   

I didn’t have to ask if she cared full time. I already knew. So, I began by saying how when you care for someone full-time you have an extra level of awareness and organization that must be reached in order for the supports you request to be of maximum value.  

If your girlfriend or neighbor is advised to take up regular exercise or meditation classes to dilute the stress caused through work issues, marriage problems, or health, for instance, they first need the awareness to know they are feeling stressed. They might start noticing life seems a little tough at the moment, they notice themselves feeling angry,crying, or having sleepless nights, and pretty soon they’re openly telling people how stressed they are. If it is affecting their work or family they may talk to someone about how to handle the cause of their stress.   

Caregivers however, often suppress that self-awareness to the point of functioning in a numb and emotionless state. To allow any feelings to permeate their consciousness could mean losing patience, feeling totally alone and fearful, and having to face facts their mind just does not have the ability to deal with. I didn’t cry, get angry or pretty much show any emotion for years. When my marriage broke up I felt nothing. I remember saying to my mum there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t cry and hadn’t laughed in years.   

The outward display of stressful emotions usually obvious when most people are under stress can be hidden deep inside for the caregiver. For a caregiver to lose control of suppressed emotions there’s a risk of thoughts and fears they don’t want to face, being released also. 

Our friend or neighbor, having acknowledged their need for stress relief has a more clearly defined path towards good mental health. It might require finding the discipline to commit to joining the gym or signing up for a regular weekly yoga class.  They must schedule the time around other responsibilities and stick to the plan. Sounds straight forward yet the best of us often finds some excuse to miss an early morning gym session when it is cold or we don’t feel the best. One missed session leads to another and soon another gym membership is offered for sale on social media. 

Imagine then how difficult that committment is for a full-time caregiver who has yet another level of complications to overcome. How can you plan a stress relief activity when the planning of it will cause even more stress because your committment involves so much more work to even begin.

It is this last level of complication that divides those who work in stressful situations from caregivers who have 24/7 workloads. The first group can take the actions necessary to slot in time for themselves to destress. They know why they should do it and with discipline they can make big changes in their lives quickly. 

The second group, the caregivers, often suppress awareness of their needs and make that suppression a habit they build into their life as a safety barrier to block out reality.  When they become aware of their needs, they are too exhausted to make real changes. Making real changes means having the awareness of options and strategies they have become too exhausted to research. 

In desperation they find themselves in a counselor’s office being told they really must take some time for themselves and do something they enjoy, and the merry go round continues. I can’t count how many times I’ve heard those words. I would nod my head, agree the advice was solid, and then leave knowing it was beyond my capabilities to implement. I should have been asking how I could implement that advice. Eventually I learned that I needed to state exactly what support I could use and ask for the help to find that support. 

No one can possibly know how you are affected by your 24/7 caring responsibilities and your reality. You can’t imagine what I go through, just as I can’t imagine the circumstances experienced by you. And yet for some reason we believe someone else will have all the answers. A professional can have more understanding and empathy if you tell them what problem you need to address. If you’re waiting for them to guess what your needs are before helping you with supports, you might be on that merry go round for years like I was.  

I can only imagine how difficult it must be for the professional on the other side of the desk, possibly never having been a 24/7 caregiver, doing all they can to impart advice they have never needed themselves. I expect many would feel concerned about letting the caregiver down. I believe we put professionals in difficult situations by not utilizing their knowledge in the best way. Instead of sitting there hoping some words of wisdom will improve our lives, we should be asking ourselves what contacts and services this professional knows about that would be important for our purposes. 

Perhaps your immediate concern is trying to do your weekly grocery shopping with a severely disabled child or a parent with Alzheimer’s. Professionals hearing your frustration will no doubt be empathetic and understanding, but what if you said this instead. ” Could you help me to find the respite I need so I can shop once a week in peace?  

Let the professionals do what they’re good at. They have the contacts and the knowledge of services in your area. The professional might ask how much time you need. What day of the week. What would be required. Respite in your home for a couple of hours, or at a day center if the person is elderly. It might mean some trial and error until you get the right mix. Just this one small change in how you communicate with others will open up different options.  

When you have options, you have the ability to make decisions between this option or that, and the feeling of hopelessness subsides greatly. The future might still seem difficult and uncertain, but you will have some level of control over how you deal with those uncertainties.  You won’t find the help you need if you make a blanket statement saying that you need some time for yourself. There is no obvious plan to work with. No goal and no time frame.  

In conclusion, compassion burnout is a real and serious issue for all caregivers. One that can go unnoticed until the damage has already been done. Short circuit that destructive cycle by doing this one simple exercise. The same recipe works for bigger goals and more complicated problems. You will work up to those when you master the basics.  

1. Write down something you would like to do for yourself each week. It might be painting, gym, meditation, or whatever you could really lose yourself in. 

2. Work out how much time you need for that activity. What day of the week. The cost. Ring up the venue and actually ask for details so you can begin to feel as if you really can make it happen.

3. Talk to whoever you go to for advice. It might be a doctor, Counselor, or friend. Ask if they can help you with relevant support. It might be sourcing respite, daycare, or home help, for instance. You might be surprised at what help you can be given if you know what you need. 

I believe that effective communication is the most important part of learning to cope with our caregiving duties in a positive way. To that end you are welcome to download my free e-book on the website https://thecompletecaregiver.net