A carer is someone who puts the welfare of a significant other foremost. That could describe most people in fact. But for the purposes of this blog, it is putting the welfare of another, who could not in all probability cope, or look after themselves independently, ahead of yourself.

Parents or primary caregivers usually believe that by the time children go to school, they will have some form of independence, after all, by that time children can play on their own, toilet themselves, watch tv, and feed themselves. It is rightly assumed the hands on caring role lessens significantly. Eventually the young child will develop into a teenager and then an adult. The roles eventually turn around and the younger one finds themselves looking after those who once cared for them.

For some parents this pathway to independence is halted, by an illness, a disability, an accident. My caring role began 36 years ago, and continues today. Waiting 36 years to reach the point parents reach when their child is a few years old, and knowing that is actually the probable limit of their development, either physically or mentally, is a journey into a pretty big black hole unless you find the help you need, and develop the attitude that will serve you best.

Equally as stressful can be watching the slow degeneration of a loved one who is moving into old age. The once strong and robust personality, fading with the passage of time. Rather than turn to an aged care home, many families choose to care for their aged parent or relative. Both groups of caregivers, those who care for the young, and those who care for the elderly, are the ones who must make the life choices that best suit their charge, and in doing that they need support, knowledge, patience and strategies. Finding the necessary supports will be the difference between a positive life enhancing experience, and an ongoing stressful situation leading to depression, ill health, and loss of purpose as you flounder around trying to find direction.

STEP 1 Actually admit to yourself that you are a long term carer who needs support. It isn’t a matter of hoping to get help. It is the understanding that I must go out and find that help myself. Until you accept your role as carer you won’t put in place the strategies to cope.

STEP 2 Realize and fully believe that you will become the expert in what is best for the person you care for. Don’t listen to anyone telling you they know best. No one walks in your shoes and deals with your responsibility better than you. You should always expect to be consulted, respected and heard.

STEP 3 Always do your own research, and then check it against what you are told by professionals. You have to remember that a doctor or therapist only sees your charge for short periods of time. You are the one who knows how they behave 24/7. If you don’t feel you are getting advice that aligns with your intuition and research, look for an alternate doctor or therapist.

STEP 4 Don’t be afraid to make a decision. It is far better to make the wrong decision and backtrack, than make no decision at all. Perhaps you decided to send your child to a regular school. You were sure it was the way to go, and then gradually you came to feel that you made a mistake. Recognize that understanding, and change tack. If you are afraid to make changes you have to continue down the sub optimal path, stressed, worried, and uncertain of how to break that bond. I moved my son from a regular school in one town, to a similar school in a neighboring town. He needed to learn to socialize more and put time into his studies. His previous school teachers had known him since he was a tiny baby, 11 weeks premature, and didn’t want to push him. Nothing I could say would encourage them to treat him the same as the other kids. So we moved. I was told I was taking him out of his comfort zone and would cause him upheaval. That caused me great stress, but not long after, I knew I had done the right thing. Stick to your convictions. You are the expert.

STEP 5 Always remember that being totally honest with yourself is the most important lesson you can learn. Every time you ask yourself a question. Answer it honestly and then seek to solve it. An example from my own experience. Every time I took my son to his 6 month checkup with a specialist, I found myself sitting in the car in tears. Always the same result. The specialist rooms saw me sitting in the corridor for hour upon hour some days. Being called in for a full couple of minutes so a student doctor could look at my sons twisted feet and discuss with his superior. Then being asked if I could dress my son outside as they were running late. I asked myself if we benefited from these visits. Did I learn anything. Was my son happy or stressed. How much danger was I in driving home 2 hours with tears in my eyes. I resolved to not go back. I left my local doctor, who I trusted, to decide if and when my son should see a specialist. Needless to say we were much happier.

Be an effective carer by recognizing your needs, listening to your fears, being honest with yourself, and seeking the support you feel matches with the research you have done.