Hiding your childs’ disability is really quite easy if that is what you’re determined to do. At least you can keep it up for a time. Eventually though the truth with show itself, as it always does, and you will be left with far bigger issues than the one you are hiding from friends and family. Below are some common strategies all people use at one time or another. Usually we solve the problem causing the stress in our life and move on. Serious health issues can occur however, if these easy to use strategies become a way of life.
HEAD IN THE SAND STRATEGY
This is the number one favorite used by people of all ages, demographics, and for all reasons imaginable. I know people who have denied to themselves, their child has a learning problem, or an anger problem, for decades. Someone close to me insisted his son behaved normally during periods of hallucination that were clearly a red flag. There was no way he would have his son put on medication, not because the medication held fears, but because if he wasn’t taking anything there was no mental health problem. He invested decades in keeping up the façade, and during that time his son deteriorated without the treatment and remedial help that could have given him a more productive life.
DENY THERE ARE ANY CONCERNS ABOUT THE PROGRESS YOUR CHILD IS MAKING
I got away with this one for several years. My son was born 11 weeks premature. He wasn’t expected to be the same size as other babies at 6mth of age, 1 year old, etc. So of course he wasn’t expected to walk until he was the size most other babies were when they began to walk. I could easily take him out in his little basket or stroller and pretend he was just a placid little guy, gaining his strength, catching up slowly till he was just the same as his peers. No one asked questions because they weren’t familiar with the development of such a tiny little being. So I didn’t have to give to many answers. If we attended a doctor for a cold or earache for instance, I would discuss the issue at hand and not mention anything about his development.
His doctor probably thought I had accepted he had a further disability and there was no need to question my understanding. I was intelligent, calm, loving, and attentive so of course I must be aware, or so he thought. It took 18 months before I even entertained the idea there were physical issues, and even then I just assumed the more exercise I did with him the quicker he would improve. It didn’t happen. I wasted several years refusing to admit I couldn’t fix it all. In fact I spent 25 years denying I hadn’t yet been able to grieve. You can’t grieve while you are filled with guilt. And you can’t overcome guilt while you hide from the world. The reasons for harboring guilt will be discussed on the next post.
AVOID HAVING AN ASSESSMENT DONE BY A PROFESSIONAL
This is an interesting one because if you get an assessment an actual named reason for concern may be found. If you don’t get an assessment you can rightly say there is no diagnosed problem right. However the sooner you get the diagnoses, the sooner the treatment can begin. On the other hand you desperately don’t want to have to accept there is a need for an assessment. What a conundrum. Often it is a school teacher or childcare center telling you it could be prudent to seek an appointment with a professional. This can be confronting and many parents take offence. After all, who are they to tell you what is best for your child. Why shouldn’t you take offense and feel your child is being singled out, another favorite term used by parents in this position. I just might have to change schools, the teachers aren’t the best, they don’t personally like my child, or their standard of teaching isn’t all that up to date, they tell themselves. Head in the sand disease starts to creep in.
AVOID MEETING UP WITH FRIENDS WHO HAVE CHILDREN THE SAME AGE SO AS NOT TO BE CONFRONTED WITH ANY DIFFERENCES IN DEVELOPMENT
This is easier than it sounds. Young mums are always very busy, and if you have a child that is ill often, along with other commitments and hobbies or part time work, no one thinks for a moment you are making excuses. They accept without question you will catch up when you can. After all they are busy too. When you do catch up make sure you invite them around for dinner. Have the kids in bed and pretend you are living the happy family life. If all goes well your child will have a sudden burst of development and next time you run into your friends all will be well. This is the disease of wishful thinking.
KEEP YOUR CHILD BACK FROM SCHOOL A YEAR SAYING THEY ARE NOT QUITE READY
This is a very believable situation. And on top of that can earn you some good parent points too. What a caring and wonderful parent you are, making sure your child is socially mature enough to go to school when they are ready, not because you need a break, or because you want to pursue some of your own interests. Of course this strategy only works for the one year. Next year questions will be asked.
ALWAYS HAVE SOMETHING YOU MUST DO RATHER THAN ATTEND FAMILY OCCASIONS
The worst place to have your child compared against the development of other children is at the good old family function. Your brothers’ child talked earlier than your sisters’. One is growing faster and stronger than another. Your mum is always discussing what you and your siblings did at the same age. And there you sit, watching, feeling a little jealousy seep in, and wanting more than anything to go home. My kids always had some childhood illness, cold, scrape or birthday party, and I used them all to great advantage. I was unaware that the early habits of withdrawing from family functions to protect myself, would inevitably lead to a breakdown of family relationships that never repaired.
IN SHORT, WITHDRAW FROM YOUR SOCIAL CIRCLES, AND SLOWLY FADE FROM THE LIFE YOU ONCE KNEW
So just how is it possible to pretend there is nothing out of the ordinary, when the very fact you have to pretend means deep down you do know there is something you are trying to hide. Why would you even want to try? None of us set out to try to hide the truth in a calculating way. We are simply trying to protect ourselves from the perceptions of others. Some of those perceptions include judgement about our parenting style, our social standing, and our marriage. Almost anything we perceive as associated with our parenting or caring abilities will be magnified when we internalize self blame.
If you find yourself reading some of the above remarks and think yes, I have felt this way, or done that on occasion, there is a strong possibility you are confusing guilt and grief. To grieve means to mourn the loss of something, the most obvious is the death of a loved one. But there are many other causes of grief. In contrast guilt is a really damaging sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. The healing passage of grief cannot do its work whilst guilt blocks the way. The two just don’t go together. So if you suffer from guilt you need to read my next post and start to learn how to come to terms with moving forward.
