Over my 36 years, so far, as a Caregiver, I have had many instances where I thought there was no way I could continue without suffering a nervous breakdown. Indeed I did have 2 serious episodes and a great many years of self doubt, real sadness, and depressed feelings requiring medication. Much of my frustration and self doubt was fueled by the information I was being given by the professionals I dealt with.
Doctors, Physiotherapists and even Counselors did all they could to point me in the right direction, but their inability to walk in my shoes meant the needs I had were difficult for most to understand. After all, they could go home to their “normal” family at the end of the day. They could put aside their work at the end of the week and enjoy some time off. I could not. I wasn’t looking for a miracle to relieve my daily grind, I was looking for practical and meaningful ways to implement the very things they kept telling me I needed to do.
Hearing I needed to find time for myself was a given for someone who had the means to do such, but for me it was a waste of time. “Tell me how to actually get more time for myself.” I would mutter as I left another appointment. What I failed to understand was that it was up to me to ask that question of them . I needed to take control and know what was needed. I was in effect the only one with the knowledge and understanding of my circumstances. As a young mother I kept waiting for help that never came. As I grew older I became aware it was my responsibility to myself and my son, to take the lead and ask for the tools to make life easier.
Below are the 7 recognized and promoted ways to help relieve stress and depression in people when life becomes a struggle. For those caring full time for a child with a disability, invalid spouse or parent, another level of need must be addressed. Below each topic heading you will find some ideas to get you on the path to a healthy and less stressed caring life.
THE 7 TIPS FOR RELIEVING STRESS
- A BALANCED AND HEALTHY DIET
- GET MORE EXERCISE
- INCREASE YOUR SOCIAL ACTIVITY
- FIND TIME FOR YOURSELF
- GET ENOUGH SLEEP
- REDUCE YOUR INTAKE OF DRUGS, ALCOHOL, CAFFEINE AND SUGAR
- MAINTAIN CLEAR BOUNDARIES
A BALANCED AND HEALTHY DIET.
Eating well allows your body access to all the nutrients it needs to function well and assists to maintain a healthy immune system. This can aid in negating the effects of prolonged stress.
This is a very valid point and everyone will be on the same page here. Besides if you have a child with special needs or care for an older parent, it is wise indeed to make sure they have the right nutrition. You have enough to do without becoming sick because of lack of vitamins so this strategy speaks for itself, but if you have concerns there may be a need to speak to a nutritionist.
GET MORE EXERCISE
Physical activity is not only a great way to help manage stress; it also releases chemicals in your brain that make you feel happier and more positive.
This can be a little difficult to implement if you are exhausted by caring for others. If you feel stressed and tired, the first thing you are usually looking for when you get a break, is a soft chair and a cup of tea. There are many ways to get some exercise though, and it doesn’t have to involve leaving your charge in the care of someone else.
You need to find something you are interested in though. I know an afternoon in the garden if the sun is shining is relaxing indeed, and if my son is out in the sunshine he feels good too. If you care for an older parent they may enjoy helping or just sitting in the sunshine watching.
A walk around the neighborhood looking at people’s gardens, the waterways, or the birds, is something you can do with a wheelchair bound person. I always feel better after getting some fresh air. The point is you need to look at what you would enjoy and then ask for the help you need to make that happen.
It might even mean a respite carer coming for a walk with you to keep your charge amused. The point being, if you are told to get more exercise, you will be ready to say “I have these times I would like to play a sport, walk with a group, or attend a yoga class, can you help me find a way.
INCREASE YOUR SOCIAL ACTIVITY
Surrounding yourself with supportive people and increasing the time you spend with them is a great way to feel supported and reduce stress levels.
Surrounding yourself with friends and family members is beneficial indeed, if the people in your previous life actually want to surround you. Anyone in a 24/7 caring role will tell you that more often than not, previous friends, and often many family members, sooner or later end up among the missing . In my case I withdrew from friends and family in order to hide the true situation I found myself in. Reconnecting isn’t always possible if you have gone out of your way to alienate yourself from people.
You have to really want people around you and depressed and stressed people usually don’t. Those others have to decide they want to be around you. It just doesn’t happen. Join a support group I was told. Well that was depressing in itself.
To surround yourself with others and benefit from it means finding a group you want to join, where you can enjoy participating in an interest you have. It might be painting, reading, or craft classes. These kinds of interests cannot be enjoyed when you have one ear straining to hear for disruptions in the background. Tell your case worker, doctor etc, how you would benefit from having supports in place so you can attend a class or group and can they help you find a way to achieve that. You will be amused to see most people stop and think for a moment. It is easy to tell you what you need to do to distress. It is more difficult to help you find the supports to allow you to distress. They will be learning too.
TAKE MORE TIME FOR YOURSELF
You can use this time to do whatever you consider to be a relaxing activity. This could be quiet time to read a book, do some yoga, have a bath, meditate, go for a walk, or any other activity that works for you.
That was hardly true in my case, and yours too probably if you are reading this. I found a walk around the block with my disabled child in a pusher was about as relaxing as I could get. It was good for him and good for me. It still however did not let me have actual time to myself. That was almost impossible as he couldn’t be left alone. If it was simply a matter of saying I needed a hot bath whilst I read my book I would have relished the opportunity.
It may be easier to take time for yourself if you are caring for a parent who is able to attend community craft classes, Book club meetings, or group sessions for older people. Parents who need care may not have the same demands on your time as a child with severe illness or disability. When you are told to take more time for yourself be ready with the amount of time you require to do just that. Ask for a referral to Council care givers to enable you to take time out. Don’t say you will try, and then leave as I often did, knowing I could not implement that strategy. In the end if the help is not forthcoming, there will be two people needing professional care, not one. It is in the best interests of the Community and health care system to support you.
GET ENOUGH SLEEP
Sleep is important to the functioning of our body and can assist during times of stress. If you are feeling tired, make sure you set a goal to get more sleep.
Sleep is indeed a very important need and tips for proper sleeping are a wonderful addition in everyone’s tool box of good health. But seriously, as the parent of a severely disabled child who screamed most of the night, how am I supposed to just make sure I get enough sleep?
So instead of listening to someone tell you to get more sleep, go to bed at a set time, read for half an hour or whatever, state to your counselor or therapist, I need more sleep. I would like help to find a way to give me 5 straight hours a night, or whatever works for you.
I know one lady whose teenage child was so disabled he had to be turned a couple of times through the night. This had been a lifelong problem with no end in sight so poor mum was a tired lady indeed. She however knew what she needed and with the help of a case manager, a support worker was found. The support worker let themselves into the house at a certain time and stayed for a period of time to turn the child twice. It worked extremely well and mum found herself more able to cope during the day. She knew what she needed to improve her health and asked those with contacts to help her get the right supports in place. To someone unused to being woken many times through the night, simply saying get more sleep might sound like good advice. To this lady, and many of us, it is a mute suggestion.
REDUCE YOUR INTAKE OF ALCOHOL, DRUGS, CAFFEINE AND SUGAR.
These substances can have an impact on your overall health. They can also exacerbate the symptoms of stress, anxiety or depression depending on the substance. Reducing these will be helpful for your physical health and mood.
The relationship between sugar and depression has been well documented in recent years, and this is something carers and people in general can do to help improve their health and mood. I can certainly attest to the difference it made in my mental health when I began to take more note of my diet.
Unfortunately when people are under stress they look to comfort food, and caregivers are certainly under stress. To clean up your diet you need focus and discipline and when you feel depressed and under stress focus goes out the window. I would say the advice is extremely sound, but implementing it has its difficulties. I struggle at times when something in my life goes wrong. The best advice I can give, and what works for me, is to just not have the snacks and naughties in the cupboard in the first place. If a box of biscuits was on the top shelf, and I was having a bad day, they would all be gone. I just don’t buy the things I crave.
MAINTAIN CLEAR BOUNDARIES
While everyone’s boundaries will be different depending on the situation, a helpful tip to remember is that it is OK to sa y ‘no ’. It’s important to take time out for yourself and being firm about this can help you maintain y our boundaries.
If you’re caring for an older parent who continually rings for attention, or sends you to the shops only to remember they forgot to tell you they needed something else, sending you back, you can determine your boundaries and set some rules within reason, being flexible and aware emergencies arise.
As far as setting boundaries with special needs children who don’t have the maturity or understanding to realize you need your space, it is a far more difficult situation. Children basically see their parent as being ever present to solve all their problems. When that child is in pain, cannot move independently, or is mentally stressed themselves, they will hear little you say. As they mature and grow older that will hopefully change. Be very clear about the boundaries you set and be consistent. Eventually you will get the message across. If you on the other hand, waiver or go back on the rules you set, you will cause confusion for those you care for.
Part of becoming an effective carer is the ability to be honest with the person you care for. If you practice that honesty and tell your charge why you need to set some rules, for your personal health so you can be there when needed for instance, you will have a much easier time.
SEE A GRIEF COUNSELOR
This heading doesn’t make it onto the above list, but I believe it is a very important strategy. A grief counselor has a particular set of skills and can be very beneficial to someone who cares for others.
Caring full time for another brings with it a special set of circumstances. Your life as you know it will change ongoing. You may lose friendships, job security, and close relationships. Long sought after goals diminish in the fog of not knowing which way to turn. The child you had longed for may have a disability that will prevent them from attaining the goals you had wished for them, or the parent who cared for you may no longer be able to care for themselves. You have suffered a loss in some capacity and a grief counselor will give you the tools to understand how to move forward in a positive way. I really wish I had seen one sooner to enable me to deal with the guilt I harbored at not being able to cure my sons disability.
“Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines.”
– Robert Schuller