Being a caregiver is often stressful and lonely. Friends and relatives may be supportive and willing to give the help they can, but they cannot understand the fear, loss of independence, and sadness that can befall someone who lives day in and day out with the pressure of wondering if they are doing the right thing. Did I choose the best option? Will I be able to cope with this responsibility? Did I choose the right school or institution? How can I explain to my friends why I can no longer be there for them as I once was? How will I cope if I get ill? And the one parents have sitting on their shoulders year after year. What will happen to my disabled child if I can’t look after them?

So many uncertainties. So many hurdles to overcome. The overwhelming questions with no right or wrong answer can leave a carer mentally exhausted. It is understandable how carers reach the point of giving up and withdrawing into themselves just hoping something will work out.

I have been a Caregiver for many many years. My journey began when I was already suffering low self esteem. Mental abuse, fear and low self worth are perpetuated and exaggerated when you shoulder the enormous responsibility of caring for a helpless child. You cannot walk out the door and take a day or three off and recuperate. You have to keep managing the daily stress whilst very few people around you have any idea how to help you.  The devestating diagnosis that Rob wouldn’t walk, talk, manage school or develop much at all tore through every area of my life. I hid my grief until finally I collapsed into a dark depression and began weekly counselling. 

My total loss of self esteem and ability to cope became evident to my counsellor when she suggested our next meeting could be conducted at the local coffee shop. That way I could feel a little more human being out of the office. Well that was all too much and I remember clearly how I fell to the floor and began sobbing. There was no way I could go out in public. I was a failure as a mum. A failure as a person and I couldn’t bare anyone looking at me. She had to work to settle me down. At a later visit she told me I was one of the worst cases she had to deal with and that if it wasn’t for my love of my son she doubted if I would be alive. 

I knew then she was good at her job because I had been well aware I was only hanging on by a thread, knowing if I wasn’t there to look after Rob, no one would. I had ruined his life so I owed it to him to look after him. And I really believed that.  In the coming years I thought that was enough, it certainly took all my strength. But I still hadn’t grieved properly, I hadn’t learned there was value to me as a person, or that I had any power to take control of anything at all. I had several more bad episodes and resolved to just get through each day.

Life has a way of sending you the lessons you need when you benefit the most and my lesson came when I was struck down with breast cancer. No doubt because of years of stress. I needed help and had to finally ask for it. I couldn’t lift Robert for some months. I was barely able to dress myself for a while. A forced solitude had been bestowed upon me. A time to think, assess and watch as those around me did together what I thought I could do alone. I reached a kind of knowing that if the Universe sends you a sign and you ignore it, you will get a stronger message. My illness was that stronger message. I Knew I had no choice but to change everything in my life, including my thinking patterns. I wrote down who I was in pointform, in the most cold and honest way. I vowed to do the opposite. For example, I was so afraid to drive my car beyond the town boundary, so I set that as a goal. I was afraid to go into a coffee shop, so I set that as a goal. I ticked off the goals and slowly turned them into habits and dragged myself into humanity. It wasn’t a quick change. It has taken years and flashbacks caused by a hurtful comment can still set me back for a short time. Now though I will talk through anything causing me mental stress straight away. 

That beginning structure of writing things down, contrasting options, and setting tiny goals began my path towards changing everything in my life. I wish I had known how to do that when I first became a carer. It would have changed so many things. I was able to create choices between two options and make a decision learning slowly that I did have some control. Those options took Roberts diagnosis of never walking, talking, coping with school ect, to a healthy guy who finished secondary college, earning a Diploma of Legal Studies and having a good relationship with me just for starters. He doesn’t walk so they got one thing right, but he will outpace most in his electric wheelchair.

I believe I was actually really fortunate to have had that life altering jolt to take me out of the day in day out fantasy of hoping someone would come along and offer me direction. I was meant to learn the things I have and I can say in all honesty that I have so much gratitude for every day. I love my life today and I marvel at my strength. I am proud to be Robs mum knowing I have done my best for him. I look back with some pain to the person who was so frozen with fear, and yet grateful to that person as well. Afterall if I hadn’t been so shattered as a person I wouldn’t have come so far.  I have lost at least a decade I can’t remember. Perhaps it’s best I let it go. I am committed to sharing with others the strategies I have learned to help them make that 180 degree turn sooner rather than later. I believe without doubt I have a responsibility to do so. 

After completing a psychology degree as a mature age student I soon learned where my niche lay. Inspiring others to empower themselves. The purpose of this website is to  share some of those insights to help improve the way carers make decisions and communicate with Service Providers. It enables a win, win, win, situation.

The Caregiver gains confidence, learns skills to optimize decision making and communication, and positive ways to strengthen relationships.

The Service Providers have clear and effective communication with their client. This frees up valuable time for the more complicated issues, strengthening relationships between service providers and clients.

The loved one being cared for benefits through the mutual collaboration of all.

There are many pearls of wisdom in the posts on the blog page and two online courses designed to help you think about ways of moving forward with confidence and create your uniquely positive future.

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