If you found it difficult to come to grips with parenthood thrust upon you way too soon, you are not alone. There is a process we go through for nine months before birth, not least being the slow realization a little person will soon be interrupting our sleep. As the impending birth approaches hormonal changes, baby showers, coffee with friends, and purchasing of little clothes, all come together to build the excitement that precedes the birth. So how do you deal with a premature birth, when you have barely embraced the pregnancy.

HOW OTHERS REACT CAN AFFECT HOW YOU REACT

You suddenly find yourself, the new parent of a little person you probably look at through a glass window, can’t feed normally, and can’t cuddle easily either. In all likelihood he or she will be quarantined so as not to be exposed to the colds and sniffles of others. If you live a long distance from the neonatal unit you may only be able to visit sporadically. Your stuck somewhere between the thrill of a new baby, and the grief of not passing through the right of passage new parents experience as the birth draws near. Mingle in a good dose of uncertainty and life becomes stressful indeed.

I remember coming home after my son was born 11 weeks prematurely. Instead of a letterbox full of congratulatory cards, I had several get well cards. All these years later that is still my dominant memory and affected how I related to those around me. People were really afraid to ask about my son and would talk about anything else. I found myself suffering fear and sadness wondering if perhaps I just wasn’t realistic when all around me seemed to believe the future was bleak.

POSITIVE STEPS TO TURN IT AROUND

• You will be home weeks before the baby so have a welcome home baby shower where friends and family can bring gifts for the new baby.
• Get a friend or two around to decorate the nursery. Shop for linen, or make some curtains.
• Have a special dinner with your partner to toast the end of another week.
• Celebrate each milestone with a photo in a special baby album.
• Include your baby as part of your family when you talk to others. Just because he or she is still in hospital, doesn’t mean they should only be included when they come home.
• Most importantly, and I wish I had done this, get a referral to a psychologist to talk through the experience, the stress, and the grief, at the outset. You have plenty of time before your baby comes home so use that time wisely. You will be very busy afterwards.
• I believe your partner should be involved in all of the above as much as possible. Both of you will have stress and deal with it in different ways.

Your future memories, experiences, hopes and success for your family, your child and yourself, will be very definitely impacted by the very first days and weeks after the birth of your premature baby. Build strong foundations right from the start and you will survive and thrive.