As a Caregiver I don’t need to tell you the stress you often find yourself under when you put the welfare of others first and foremost, which can seem crushing at times. It is a given that coping with the issues of your own life, along with the issues of others who rely on you, is an emotional juggernaut. Every parent knows the weight of responsibility as they watch their children grow and find independence. If life goes to plan most parents experience a lessening of that daily responsibility as their children develop and learn, eventually finding their place in society. For some parents however, that pathway to independence has a few roadblocks.
Severe illness, a disability or a life changing accident are just a few of those roadblocks. Mental illness, strokes and even the aging of parents needing care, are a few more. In fact, it is a rare family that can escape the stress that comes with living life. Everyone needs to have a way to destress as a matter of course. It’s a normal part of life, but for some there is a long dark tunnel ahead and it doesn’t seem to have an end. We may lose hope in reaching our personal goals due to the responsibility of caring for someone long term. We might fear the years slipping away and spiral into depression, fully believing we may never get our personal life back.
It is perfectly normal to begin to dwell on the negative impacts that could lay in your future as you begin to accept your caregiving role could be a long-term possibility. The damage to your mental health comes from not having a way forward. From not being able to adapt or seek the help you need. It comes from losing hope and not knowing how to find supports and set goals. The more you worry, the more isolated you become, and the less possibilities you have. My personal experience testifies to the fact that the sooner you put a plan in place, talk to a counselor, and learn to ask for help, the better life will be.
Stress about what might have been, or find help to achieve what could be.
STEPS TO BANISH STRESS
STEP 1 Accept the possibility you may now be a long-term carer and you’ll need support to fulfill that role. Avoid sitting back in the hope you’ll be offered the help you need. You could be waiting a long time. A few sessions of grief counseling early is positive and can help you put things in perspective. I say grief counseling because life changing circumstances involves a loss or major change to the foundation on which we build our life. Caregivers understand the grieving for what has been lost, but often don’t realize they may continue to grieve for what they assume can no longer be. It is this subconscious grief over lost goals and future happiness that can eat away at Caregivers. Get your thinking clear in order to build a strong caregiving foundation.
STEP 2 As the constant in your loved-ones’ life it stands to reason that you have a greater understanding of their needs than others who consult with you about their needs. Be wary of anyone telling you they have a better understanding of the situation than you. They may have a great deal of knowledge and may have dealt with similar issues, but no one walks in your shoes. Your responsibilities are unique. The goal of those you consult with should be to help find supports compatible with your goals, not encourage you to fit their plan. It is your right to be consulted, respected and heard by all professionals you deal with. Don’t allow yourself to be talked down to or be made to feel inferior. A supportive group of professional advisors need to all be on the same page.
STEP 3 Always do your own research, and then check it against what you are told by professionals. We forget that a doctor or therapist only sees our loved one for short periods of time. The present issue we are concerned about may or may not be evident during the consultation making it important for us to communicate in a precise way. The advice you are given will be enhanced in relation to the clarity of the information you impart. If your opinions, questions, or research are too easily dismissed without valid reasons seek a consultation with a different doctor or therapist. Part of your role as a complete caregiver, is to build a Core Support Group of people you trust and feel comfortable consulting with. When you have that group in place you will be able to draw on their expertise and correlate the information they provide with the research you do yourself.
STEP 4 Let go of the fear of making decisions. It is far better to make the wrong decision and backtrack, than make no decision at all. Perhaps you decided to send your child to a regular school. You were sure it was the way to go, and then gradually you came to be aware you had made a mistake. Instead of blaming yourself and increasing your stress levels, take a breath, recognize you have concerns, write down why you think there may be concerns, and talk to the professionals you trust to find a new way to move forward. If you’re afraid to make decisions, you will continue down the sub optimal path of waiting for others to make your choices on your behalf. You will remain in a circle of stress, worry, and uncertainty.
STEP 5 Being totally honest with yourself is the most important foundation on which to build your life. Every time you ask yourself a question answer it honestly and then verify or disprove your summation through research and advice. I will illustrate an example from my own experience.
My son’s orthopedic specialist was based in a large hospital several hours from home. We would sit for hours some days waiting for our turn to be called yet the consultation may be over in minutes. A student doctor would look at my sons’ twisted feet, discuss with his superior what treatment may help, and suggest we revisit that option at the next visit. I wasn’t any part of the decision making and barely spoken to. When I look back it was probably my fault as I was afraid of my own shadow at that time. I had no valid opinions as I didn’t know how to research my questions and I was waiting to be helped by others rather than help myself.
After almost every consultation I would retreat to my car in the parking lot, burst into tears, and ask myself if we really benefited from these visits. My son was stressed, I was distraught and the long drive home with tears in my eyes was dangerous. Too many years later I would begin to learn how to assess such situations. and make decisions, leading to better outcomes.
STEP 6 None of the above bricks in your caregiving foundations will hold up unless you recognize your own value. You have a responsibility to yourself as well as to others. Your loved one is fortunate to have a caregiver who is doing their best to provide optimal care. That on its’ own is proof of how valuable you are. Sadly, many of us have a hard time believing in our own worth, choosing to blame ourselves for the things that go wrong and credit others when things go right. Who would be caring for your loved one if not for you? To carry out your role you need to be mentally and physically healthy and that means caring for yourself above all else. Your Core Support Group is where you find advice about the services you can put in place to help you have time for yourself. You can use that time to find an outlet, build relationships, join a group or simply rest. Compassion burnout is very real and will eventually result in your inability to cope with even small problems. Your decision to put yourself last could result in not only your inability to cope, but your loved ones’ loss of the level of care you wanted to provide.